Tag Archives: Tv

Exist.

“On a scale from one to ten, how bad is it?”

I’ve been watching a lot of Grey’s Anatomy lately. In the show, emergency cases often come into the hospital and the doctors have to figure out how to save the person. Sometimes, those emergencies involved a foreign object going through a person. One time it was a pole someone had been impaled on. Another time it was a big tree branch. These cases are difficult because you can’t just pull the foreign object out, unless you want the patient to bleed to death. Usually, the pole or tree or whatever is holding all of the blood and organs in place, so if you just rip it back out of them, they’ll bleed out.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like watching tv is the foreign object that’s keeping me from bleeding out.

When I’m watching a tv show, I’m distracted. I’m wrapped up in someone else’s life. Lately, when I turn off the tv, sadness overwhelms me. It’s like the silence that follows is too quiet. My mind no longer has something to focus on. And I get really sad. I bleed out. I’d rather just keep watching tv. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities and people to hide my feelings from, so I can’t just stay curled up on the couch all day watching Grey’s Anatomy.

On one of the latest episodes I’ve watched, one of the main characters hasn’t been doing extremely well, and for some very good reasons. Her boyfriend comes and sees she’s having a hard time and simply asks, “On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?”

On a scale from one to ten, it’s about a seven right now. Maybe a six. Which is better than yesterday. Worse than the day before. Much better from the day before that.

I’m just existing right now. I don’t think I ever thought I’d be a person who just existed. I just won’t pull the tree out. It’ll keep the bleeding under control.

-Melissa

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Missing you: Everyone

I sighed and wiped my eyes again. So much for the mascara I actually bothered to put on this morning. My eyes were beginning to feel raw from wiping the tears away but I knew if I didn’t keep wiping, there would be black streaks down my face.

And that’s not actually something I wanted to deal with.

I tried to get myself to stop. Crying never does any good. It results in headaches and blood shot eyes. Plus my reasoning was stupid.

After all, it was just a TV show.

“It wasn’t real,” you told me.

Still as I watched it, the sadness, despair, brokenness of the characters became my own. Not many people understand it. In fact, I’m not sure anyone I know gets as attached to the people in books and movies and tv shows as I do.

It’s a blessing and a curse.

No, I thought. No, no, no, no! What’s happening?!

Tears streamed down my face. Sobs ripped their way out of me. The scene in front of me was devastating. What made it worse is that the disaster I was watching had actually happened in real life. Maybe not with these people. Maybe this certain story had never existed, but this, these last five minutes of this movie, this had been real.

I cried out as the screen went black.

There’s only so much you can cry over something fictional before you realize you need to stop.

I needed to stop. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Those horrible moments replayed in my head and a fresh wave of sadness enveloped me.

You could make me stop.

I got on skype and realized you were on to. I called you but I could not see or hear you. You could hear me. You could hear me crying.

You typed out short responses to me as you tried to get your microphone to work.

“My mic doesn’t work”
“Hold on”
“Let me see if I can see enough”
“What’s wrong?”
“Just talk”

Just… talk.

Finally, you gave up with the computer. You picked up your phone and called me, sounding hurried, trying to figure out what had upset me this much. When I finally formed the words to tell you what was wrong, relief filled your voice.

“It’s just a movie.” You reminded me, trying not to laugh, “Melissa, everyone dies.”

I know that everyone dies. I know. He never thought I realized that. He thought I needed to come more to terms with it. He didn’t think I knew how to think logically.

“I know everyone dies. That doesn’t mean I like it.”

I know everyone dies. And I know if they’ve excepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they live again in the place He has prepared for us.

I know everyone dies.

That doesn’t mean I like it.

Missing you.

-Melissa

Involved.

Today, I’m in pain.

i can’t quite explain it. It’s a heaviness. A weariness. Earlier, it was almost… a panic.

It’s my own fault. I watch shows and get so emotionally involved. Like when I read, remember? That was one of my first blogs posts. About how sucked in I get when I read. Well, it happens with tv shows and movies too.

Today, I watched a character go through a large amount of pain, and, in his pain, he reacted, taking it out on someone else. And I just started weeping.

Because I could feel his pain. I felt so strongly for how deeply he was hurting.

And it’s not just that. Because then I relate it to my own life. And the faces of my friends go through my mind. Today, watching such pain portrayed by an actor, my heart grieved for my friends, knowing that in their lives, they will have to face pain. And I can’t…. I can’t keep them from that pain. I can’t hide them away and keep them safe. If I have any say in it, I will be there for them when the pain comes, but I can’t keep them safe.

So my heart hurts today. Because my friends will have to face pain that I want so desperately to keep them from.

I shouldn’t be aloud to watch tv.

-Melissa