Today, I went through my documents on my computer. One caught my eye. “No More Lola.” I opened it and read about the day we stopped talking. I read about the days, weeks, and months that followed. I read about how much pain I’d suffered.
It’s weird. I could see the girl who wrote those words, her heart displayed openly all over the page.
And it’s not me.
My mind couldn’t connect with it. My heart ached at the words, but… I was far from it. Something in me begged to stop reading, afraid for the sake of my being if I didn’t.
I’m so different now! I wish so badly I could take my current self and re-live those moments. Those last moments of speaking with you! The ways I responded to you! The things I said! I would do everything so completely differently!
I hope you get to meet the current me.
I am so sorry, Tyler. So much fault lies with me that I was blind to before. I am so sorry that you didn’t get the chance to be friends with who I am now. Not that I don’t still need to grow, because I do. I am so sorry I burdened you with things of strikingly little importance. I am so sorry I didn’t realize that at the time. I am so incredibly sorry that you didn’t feel like you could always tell me the truth. That I wasn’t trust worthy in that way. I’m sorry I let her hurt you. I am so sorry I didn’t see that happening.
Tyler, please hear me: I am so deeply, truly sorry I was so broken and damaged and I expected you to help put me back together. I am so sorry I leaned on you so heavily without giving you the chance to truly lean back.
Know that I love you. Know that I would not have made it through that year without you. Know that I will never speak an ill word about you. Know that I will defend you any time anyone else does. Know that I will never stop praying for you. And, though I’ve never that bad of you, know that I forgive you for any pain you caused me. I honestly hold absolutely nothing against you- I never have and I never will.
And know that God loves you.
Please let Him do so, Tyler. Let yourself get swept up into Him. Please, dive into His Word. Submerse yourself in it. Beg Him to let you know more of Him. Beg Him to be closer. Speak to Him. Truly. He has made all the difference in my life. Let Him drown you in His grace and mercy. Accept it, Tyler. Just accept it.
Two years ago today was the last time we spoke. So much has changed for me and I’m sure for you as well. But one thing hasn’t changed- you are one of the best friends I have ever had.
Contact me anytime but I understand if you don’t.